Sores

So, I spent the entire day today trying to sleep and failed horribly. What is wrong with me? Even when I was diagnosed with Insomnia before... it was never this bad. I tried sleeping in first and failed. I got home at 3 and laid in bed with my eyes closed until 5:30. Not a minutes worth. This isn't good. I think I'm sick or something.... I don't know. I'm really tired right now, so I hope I'll be able to wink out tonight, but I was tired earlier too and wasn't able to.

This is what happens when someone you love is away. It sucks. I do find it funny though. I'm bitching about not getting to see Evan and know that he's okay right now... but him and I have been through worse. 4 months of not even being able to EMAIL each other openly. Scary times. At least he's able to make 1o minute phone calls to me where he is now. And my mom accepts them.

I'm really torn on the subject when it comes to mine and Evan's relationship. On the one hand... he lied to me. He told me he hurt himself because he was sick of disappointing people, but then admitted to me today on the phone that he did it because he didn't have any more money to support me with (That just managed to piss me off, because every time I need money he tries to give it to me and I always say no, and he sort of pushes it onto me.). He also promised me he'd never leave me alone, and then he tried to do what he did. We both promised each other we would never be that selfish. He yelled at me Monday over things he didn't understand or try to understand, and we fight almost every other day over small, trivial things.

On the other hand... I love this man so much. He has given me so much to be happy for and shown me so much that has brought me nothing but joy in my life. He is the only person who hasn't done wrong to me (excluding monday), and he is so caring and loving and understanding. He is open with me (most of the time), and I can see in his eyes the love he has for me as well.

It scares me to think about. Because even if things got horribly bad and I felt like I couldn't stay anymore... I would never really be able to leave. He has me trapped.


On a completely unrelated note, I'm really scared for my health right now. I woke up this morning with the nipple on my left breast hurting HORRIBLY. I'm not talking dull pain. It felt like someone cut it open or burned it with a lighter or something like that. It has gone on all day feeling this way, and hasn't stopped at all. I looked at it this morning and it looked fine, but now it's a darker shade than it's twin, and it has a sort of... bump(?) on it on the left side. I don't really know how to explain this. It's swollen... but only on one side of it. I put my symptoms into webmd.com and it said on there that I could possibly have breast cancer, or a disease which starts in the nipple and turns into breast cancer.

This worst thing about this discovery (minus the pain I'm suffering), is that the first thought that crossed my head when I found out I might have breast cancer was "I only have medicaid... that wouldn't pay for medical treatment... and God knows I don't get paid enough for this.... and I can't let mom know."


These are indeed the times that try our hearts.


(I also forgot to mention that Michael came over today, and we played THE UMBRELLA CHRONICLES on his Wii for about an hour, and I do indeed have to say that I am hooked. Yay for Resident Evil Multiplayer Zombie Slaying Action!)