Call me a skank, a whore, whatever you want to call me that will make you feel better about yourself, I don't really care. Basically, the way things are going to go from now on is I do what I want. Say what I'm thinking, without caring how it's going to make you feel, and be who I want to be, instead of who everyone else wants me to be. If anything in this blog from now on makes you uncomfortable, don't read it. If it upsets you, don't read it. If it hurts you, don't read it. I'm done silencing myself for the sake of others. This is for me, and me alone, and if I want to say something, I'll say it. Thanks.
I've never cried so much in my entire life, it's like I'm mourning for everything, everyone... and I can understand, and empathize, and nod and relate, and capture their feelings in a sentance. Yet I can't do the same for myself, and no one seems to be able to relate perfectly to me. No one has gone 'I know, I understand,' sincerely to me, and I know that they really HAVE been there, and I can trust them. That's why the most metaphoric, symbolistic things tear open my heart, the most smalll relations make me connect so deeply, and if we've empathized together, you've got a piece of my heart sewn to your sleeve. I've been a shell of myself for a few months now, and it's getting to the point to where I feel like I'm tearing myself apart for the sake of everyone else. I realized just recently that I always seem to get this way around this time of the year, and Michael and I had a conversation about it in the car this morning. He thinks it's because when it gets colder I stay inside more often and don't get enough sunlight. I know that not getting enough sun can really fuck with you mentally, but I don't really think that is the ONLY reason I'm feeling this way. I digress...
The calories, the pain, the pillows, the salty chocolate tears, the brunettes I can hold, the caffeine headaches, the alcohol, the meds, the late night worrying, confessing everything in one word, writing lists of ways to get better no one will ever follow. The thread I can't seem to get perfect, the needles. The wrappers and vitamins, the drawers filled with garbage, the soap operas, the soap boxes I've stood on and preached nonsense. The soap downtown, the doll house, the nights we were alive, the fireflies, the air, the cop lights and knives, long walks, flipflops, short shirts and moneyless pockets, there was no way out. There never was a way out.
I want to dig up my heart with my bare hands. I want to dig it up soon. I want to take pictures of my dirty hands. I want to walk all the way there and see the scars on the tree, and remember. I want to dig up my fucking heart and cut it up. Burn it. He knows it.
lie. lie. lie to me. Because that's the last thing I want to hear from you, the last burned image. I used to force myself to remember the last way I saw my dad. It was always his back through a screened door at the beach, and the sky was gray. I always did this in case I never saw him again.
♥ the key won't fit anymore without the scars showing.
Link wants me to move to Arizona with him. I don't know about what I want. I want to get out of Asheville. I want to see some part of the outside world for longer than a few days and nights. I want to smell the desert and lay around in dirt. But at the same time so much is Asheville is a part of me now. Everything is familiar and has a scent and look of everything that is a part of me. My grandfather is dying. What about that? I'm afraid to leave this place, because once I leave if I ever do come back it scares me how badly things could change. What if Michael stayed? Would he still be here when I get back, and if he is still here would he still be the big-headed, rough kid I met so many years ago? Or some foreign, scary stranger I can't bear to look in the eyes? So many thoughts frighten and trouble me, to the point that I can't sleep well at night and have to drink to forget things for a while. I just think too much. And recently I've been drinking too much.
I feel like I'm falling for him faster than I really should be. I mean, I trust him. He's awesome. He's adorable. And he's one of the sweetest people I have ever met. His mom likes me. His friends seem to like me. My friends LOVE him. Wesley loves him a ton, and Michael thinks of him as a best friend. I love him to death, but I really am concerned about this because he says he loves me too and wants to be with me. But I fear that pretty soon he'll see something he doesn't like or want and leave. And I'll be alone again.
I just need someone to be here for me, completely. Tell me they understand and that they wish things were different. Hold me and tell me it's okay to be afraid. That the world is just a great black bottomless pit full of these troubles and that I'm not the only person in it to feel like this. Take me to the parkway, walk me out into the woods, and just cry with me in a tree somewhere.
Things always get worse before they can get better.
Everyone of you bastards have no idea who I REALLY am.
That's okay though.
I never expected you to.
5 comments:
You're not a skank, and you're not a whore, and I think that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. You always put everyone else in front of you. Everyone else's needs always seem to go before yours and their feelings as well. I think that you're finally starting to see what I've been trying to tell you since I first started talking to you. That you need to worry about yourself and tell everyone else they're riding 2nd place. You know?
You have absolutely no reason to ever want to feel down about yourself. You are beautiful, intelligent, and amazing. Simply put. You remind me of my Aunt Elena. You're both awesome people. You have a free spirit, no one can tame you, and you're lucky you don't fall into the crowd or try to blend in with all the masses. And if I were in NC and not here, then I would probably be doing anything I could to spend as much time as possible with you because you are one of the nicest, most caring person I know.
I've told you all of this before, but if I were there, I would steal you away, and we would go backpacking across the country looking for blueberry fields and hidden waterfalls. We could sleep in a tiny tent with a mutt we find who needs us to care for it, and tell ghost stories to eachother while we ride motorcycles down the highway at speeds not known to living men.
But in all seriousness, I love you. You are awesome. And you deserve the best in everything.
Rob, you are awesomely amazing, and that comment made me extremely happy. Seriously, it made me feel 10X's better.
I think your idea of me is pretty skewed but I giggle at the thought of me reminding you of your aunt. That would be SOOO weird if we ever dated. Lol. I'm just playing.
We should backpack someday. Seriously. I've always wanted to do that. And with you having army smarts I would know I was in good hands if a bear or an Arab came along. :P
Love love love.
I'm glad you're finally realizing this. Fuck everyone else. You'll never be happy with who someone else is until you can be happy with yourself. Look out for yourself, first and foremost. And if someone doesn't like it, destroy them. Never settle for adequate. You deserve far better than most people do.
I'm sorry you feel like no one is there for you. I don't know if this will help at all but I know how that feels. To feel like no one understands how you feel, or there's no one you can talk to. I've been there, it hurts. But I'll ALWAYS be here for you. If you're feeling down and need someone, I'll be here.
I still don't know if I can go to Arizona, but either way you'll be okay. If I don't go I'll be waiting right here when you get back. I love you, Stefani. Never forget that.
ILEAVE COMMENTS?!?!?!!
The hardest person in the world for me to relate to is myself. I empathize with you completely on that one. And of course, the seasonal depression. Fall always sucks for me too.
I love you and I dont ever want you to change. That big heart would take a long time to cut up.
I remember being at that stage in my life where I hadnt taken that first adventure to uncharted territory. That isnt me thinking of you as a kid or not acknowledging the 82 million things that you know that I dont. That is just me remembering, very freshly, that Ive been there. Its the worst feeling in the world to feel as though your wings are clipped and youre stuck.
I want you to come to Arizona. NOT simply because I want you to; but because I can see a spark of adventure in your eyes that needs to ignite. Leaving this town for just a little while will do amazing things for you. It will open your mind and align you to things that you would not be aware of stuck in your Asheville rut. Dont be scared. I know you can do anything if you want to bad enough. And plus, I got back. You arent in this alone. I love you and I wont ever give you a reason not to trust me.
Adventure time! C'mon Suga, lets boogie!
::Flailing and sauntering into the sunset::
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