Realizations.
I hate them. But sometimes it's nice to know that you finally have an idea of what the truth in your life is. What have I realized lately? Why, a lot of things, good sir. Allow me to share them with you.
The first and most important? Although 99.9% of the population spends their life searching for love and acceptance, compassion and understanding, only about 5% of the population actually finds it. I spent the majority of my high school career worrying about who I was going to spend my time with AFTER school, and now that it's "AFTER" school, I'm back at the beginning, but even more lost and wounded than before. I have found no one to share my life with, and I'm stuck here in Asheville working my ass off to pay for a 2 year degree that is going to get me virtually no where in the real world. I'm hurting over all that is going on with Evan right now, but I know in my heart that this pain is NOT going to last forever. Sooner or later my heart will callous over once again. I'll move on, start looking, find someone new to adore and love, and more likely than not they will end up hurting me just as much, if not worse than Evan did/is. But it's okay. Because I will move on. Grow, mature, become more and more cold and less understanding. Someday, I'll find someone who I can actually survive with. And let's just hope that that day isn't so far in the future, after being hurt so many times that I just shut that person out. I don't want to be a shell. Ever.
Speaking of Evan, he has to do with my second realization. Which is this: Yes, he misses me, but only the parts of me that seem worth it to him. He does not love me or miss me as a whole... As a human being. He misses the parts of me that pleases him. The sex. The games. The adoration. He doesn't want to deal with the days when I've had enough and I just want to cry and scream... bang my head into the wall. He doesn't want to deal with the days when I feel like I'm nothing and I sit in a corner and sulk. He doesn't want the whole essence of who I am. He just wants the sex... the games... the adoration. Things I don't know how much more of I can supply. And of course it's not his fault. No. Of course not. He told me from the beginning he wants to be friends. Nothing more. But he also tells me he misses me, he wants me, he wants to work things out. And he also feels the need to make sure I'm a good little girl. That I obey and follow his lead. He hurts me intentionally to keep my memory strong. He wants all of the above, but he doesn't want the love. For him, it's not about the love. It's all about fuckfuckfucking until his heart stops beating... until his last breath is taken away. Not the cuddling and long talks under the sky where you see your first shooting star and wish for forever. Wish for a tail and the sea. Wish for a tale and to <i>see.</i>
And although I DID wish for forever on him, that fateful night we sat out under the stars and I saw my first meteor, wishwishwishing doesn't do shit when the other person isn't wishing too. So although I sit back and say I'm just in it for the ride... and although I'm wishing on stars of my own now for things to repair themselves... for him to stop being so blind, stop thinking with his dick and start thinking with his heart... more likely than not, nothing else is ever going to happen between my (ex)fairytale prince and myself. Nothing but late night moans through pillows and salty tear-soaked sheets. And him continuing to shut himself down. Him continuing to stay cold, callous and calculated. Uncaring. Unloving. UnEvan.
The last realization, and the most scary of all is that things really HAVE changed. Graduation was a turning point. My friends have all gone off to either college or long-distance family. And I'm stuck in Asheville. At the same low paying job. With the same low-life pricks. Doing the same old thing. When are things going to change for me? Where do I go from here? I'm smart enough. To do anything I fucking want. ANYTHING. So where from here? I'm scared. And being SCARED scares me, because things have never been up to me. Evan always had an answer. Always had a plan. Always cared. And now that he's gone, I'm stuck answering to no one but myself. Because no one else has a clue. I need direction. A hero. A guardian angel. Guide me. Because although I am stubborn, and I will fight you all the way, I'll always follow my heart and do what is best for ME. And that's usually an idea coming from someone else.
3 comments:
I love you, Stefani. But not all your friends are leaving you, dick. I'm right here, whenever you need me. All you need to do is call. I'm sorry you're so depressed but I'm glad you're starting to see things for what they are.
<4
You know, I know this is going to sound rough... but this is part of the reason I couldn't stay with you. You need to make these decisions for YOURSELF. I will ALWAYS be available for input. But your decisions are just that: YOUR DECISIONS. I have made many mistakes, but they were MY DECISIONS. That way I have no one to blame but myself. I will not be the person you blame for all the mistakes you make. Because you WILL make mistakes. Everyone does. I did. Do.
Okay... I'll get off my little soapbox now.
First of all, way to comment on an entry from almost exactly a month ago. You and I have talked about this stuff SINCE this update, so everything I said in it about you is pretty much void.
I didn't say ANYTHING about wanting you to make my decisions for me. If you had actually understood, you would have seen that what I was ACTUALLY saying, is that I USED to have you make the decisions for me, and now I have to make them for myself. And that it's hard, but I'm doing it.
When recently have I tried to get you to give me answers? Not at all. I hardly even talk to you anymore.
So I don't quite understand what you were getting at with this comment.
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