Tomorrow's another day.

So apparently, even though I have been updating and shit these past few days, it hasn't been actually posting them.. just saving them to my drafts. So I came in to find an empty journal and a shit-ton of saved posts. They're on here now though, which is good.

Today and Yesterday was spent hanging out with "My boys." (Wesley, Trevor, and Michael) We played some Silent Hill, some Metal Gear Solid 2, and some GTA 4. And today, freaking VIVA PINATA, which is amazing. =)

=( Depression comes and goes. I wish it would stay gone, but I'm not so lucky. Instead of explaining things, I'll let conversations do the talking.

Evan texted me earlier today. I never seem to get THIS depressed until he contacts me. Then I start sinking down into the suicidal stage again. Read on:

Evan: Hey, you working today?
Me: Yes, why?
Evan: I just didn't know if you could talk or not. I'm at work tonight too. But I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner.
Me: Tonight? No offense either, but... why?
Me: Well, I guess you didn't mean tonight because we're working... but when? And why?
Him: Sometime soon. And, a couple reasons. One: I still have those O'Charley's gift certificates that YOU earned. I want to use them with you. Second, I need to talk to you. You apologized to me for some things, and I need to apologize to you about some things. And I miss your company.
Me: I don't know Evan... I REALLY want to see you... and that can't be good because that just breeds feelings for you. Wanting you again. I really do want to see you. But this already has me getting hope back. And there is no hope. You made that clear. You know? I just don't know. You don't need to apologize to me. You didn't do anything to me. And if you did? I forgave you already.
Him: No, but I DO want to be FRIENDS with you. But if it's too soon, I understand. It's not that I did anything wrong, I would just like to give credit where credit is due. I really want to see you too. But like I said: if it's too soon, don't worry about it.
Me: It will always be too soon. I'm sorry. I just... I will never get over you. I'm sorry.
Him: I thought you said you were over me.
Me: ...I said that to ease your mind about me. ...Keep you from worrying.
Him: ARE you going to do something stupid?

And me and Michael discussing it all:

Shteffi Love: I don't know what to do
spookykow: about what?
Shteffi Love: life.
spookykow: live, it'll be ok
Shteffi Love: I can't live if I'm not happy, not truly.
spookykow: You will be, I know it's hard
Shteffi Love: It doesn't feel like it.
spookykow: but give it time
Shteffi Love: Why does it hurt so bad then? Why can't I stop thinking about him? After this long. Why do I still want to be with him, after all the SHIT HE DID AND PUT ME THROUGH. Why do I still see him as a perfect person.
spookykow: Because love is a serious thing
Shteffi Love: Apparently not too serious. Seeing as how I'm in the backdrop of his life now.
spookykow: Because you don't want to see him as anything less
Shteffi Love: or maybe I'm the one who is flawed.
spookykow: then maybe he didn't love you, and everyone is flawed
Shteffi Love: He used to love me. He couldn't have faked ALL of it.
spookykow: well, then he's the one with problems
Shteffi Love: I changed, apparently. I don't know how...but I did. And now he doesn't want me anymore.
spookykow: you haven't changed
Shteffi Love: ...no one wants me. I'm a rag doll. Once a treasure, now just trash.
spookykow: shut up. just because some asshole doesn't want to be with you, doesn't say anything about you
Shteffi Love: He's not an asshole. He can be... but he's still Evan some where.
spookykow: either way, that's not you. that's him being blind. There's nothing wrong with you
Shteffi Love: All he cares about is getting his stuff back.
spookykow: see?
Shteffi Love: He says he cares about me and wants to be my friend. I can't DO that. What is wrong with me? I just want to be with someone, and that isn't healthy. I shouldn't want a relationship just to be in one, and no one seems to care that I'm going through this, besides you.
spookykow: well, it's hard to go from being with someone for a year to having that person ignore you. you're not always going to do rational things
Shteffi Love: I just want to be HAPPY again, And I don't feel like a ever will. I never really lived until Evan. He showed me SO MANY things. Helped me experience so many things. I can't do it now.
spookykow: I know, I'm sorry
Shteffi Love: What do I do in this situation? What CAN I do? I'm sorry I'm ranting to you. I'm just going to shut up.
spookykow: There's nothing you really can do
spookykow: no
Shteffi Love: I sound so fucking emo.
spookykow: let it out
Shteffi Love: I just want to kill myself, Michael. Not just because I'm depressed. But because I see no other options. I see no other alternatives. I see no other way to release myself from this pain and bullshit. I see no other way to be happy.
spookykow: I know. You feel helpless, like you're never going to be happy again
Shteffi Love: He wasn't just a boyfriend. He was my friend. My best friend when you couldn't be there, and I talked to him about EVERYTHING. Things I couldn't even discuss with you. And he listened, and cared, and now he's gone. I want that back. I want my fiance back. I want my friend back.
spookykow: can't have it. There's a reason alot of people don't get married right out of high school, or do just to have it fall apart. and it's not because they don't love each other. it's because people are stupid
spookykow: especially young people. as hard as that is to except, it's true. The human brain doesn't fully develope until somewhere around age 25. People our age don't always make the best choices, regardless of how intelligent they are or how nice they are.
Shteffi Love: I know. But I loved him so much, Michael.
Shteffi Love: and it hurts so bad.
spookykow: And being depressed only makes that irrationality worse
spookykow: Yeah, I know, And i'm really sorry
spookykow: and it's going to hurt. how long? I can't say. but it's not going to hurt forever, and sitting around waiting for it to get better isn't going to help. nor is trying to hasten the grieving process. you need to find the middle ground.

Oh Michael, you are my middle ground. The sanity that speaks to me when I see no other alternative. You are so very special to me. My best friend. <3

I love Trevor too. Oh so very much. And not getting to talk to him tonight was torture for my body, mind, and soul. But there's always tomorrow.