In the darkness, I feel you.

As it is 12:30 and almost time for me to go to bed, I figured I would post quickly with recent events before I pass out.

School is tomorrow. Which will be boring, but I am excited about what is progressing between The Boy and I. Even if it turns out to not be a romantic relationship between us two, it is still exciting and new. I enjoy his company, and if not a boyfriend, he is sure to make an excellent life-long friend. He has touched my heart in a way I cannot describe, and for that, I am grateful.

The weekend was filled with laziness. Michael stayed over all weekend, and him and I had secret adventures of our own, filled with other people coming and going at all hours to see us, GTA 4, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, and Metal Gear Solid. All in all it has been a good weekend, but I can't help feeling lazy and unproductive. My entire family is going to be out of town next weekend, so maybe that will get me started on some reinventing myself.

I cut my hair extremely short earlier. I don't know why... I just felt the urge to. So I went at it with a pair of scissors and began hacking away. It's not past my ears now. And I dyed it purple. What will the children at school say? Haha.

I was listening to the radio, and this Hispanic guy was on reading poetry. Part of it was talking of 'virgin screams' and I was wondering: could you tell by the sound escaping a woman’s voice, if a man had been inside her, if she had been had and used? If she was 'impure' or even could you tell how many times a man had been inside her emotionally? When she screamed with the pain in her chest from crying, when she sobbed at the thought of him, his eyes inside her head staring at her… could you tell then that she had been emotionally raped? Then could you tell the pain inside? Or would she have had to be raped with the passion inside, with rhythm and forceful hands.... how would Mary scream? --- If I sat across from you in a room full of women, could you peer inside my head and see these sinful thoughts of you? Would you laugh and carve out words in my torso, or would I? I would light the candles and adorn my body with glitter and lace, silky skirts that slide on moonlit skin like her hands, slowly leaving a feeling like fire. I would cry for you, pray for you in front of candles and bowls of salt, pretty runes and the tangled soft hands of smoke.. --- I could wait outside the door and wait for her face, wait for the sigh of relief or the breathless tears and phone calls of that passionate mistake.. I worry and know I will make the same mistakes, or I will at least try and modify myself to solve the false and drunken decisions. I would hold her and shake, cry, breathe, plan, worry, live, live, live. Just keep telling myself to live. --- I play scenes in my head, and plan out perfect words. Plan out reactions and how we should handle things, even though they might not happen quite yet, even though none of us are ready, we're planning because the possibilities are so real, so tangible.

I am extremely tired, and I think I heard the dryer stop, so I'm going to pop in there to put my clothes in and then I'm retiring to bed. I have to drive Michael to school tomorrow so he can get his car, and I have to take Trevor a Cheerwine too (can you believe he's never had one before?)



Tata for now.

[My Guardian Angel watches over me, in the back drop where I cannot see him. Still, I know he is there.

Corey: Seriously though, even if I don't talk to you much, a lot of comfort comes in knowing that somewhere out there I've still still got you as a friend, you know?
Stephanie: I love you, even still.
Corey: I love you too Stef. It hurts me inside to know that I'm not the friend I used to be to you, that I'm not as close as I once was. I really do feel like a bad friend. I've told you more than once that I'd call you, and I still haven't. I could make excuses but ultimately I've just had other things on my mind. And I apologize for that.
Stephanie: I understand. I haven't tried calling you either. I've just been busy. I get it.
Corey: Well, I miss you. I miss the hugs and I miss the way you laugh and the way you talk and I just miss YOU. And from the bottom of my heart, I truly am sorry that I haven't been the very best friend I could be.
Stephanie: You are still here with me... even when you're really not. I always feel you.
Corey: I'll always be with you as much as I can... I connected with you more than I ever thought I would, and if you don't mind me saying so, I always have and always will see you as an extension of myself; you were more than just a friend. You were, and are, somebody without whom life will never be the same. You helped shape me into who I am now.
Stephanie: And the same goes for you.

It's nice to know people still feel.]

(No idea what is wrong with my fonts. Kinda sorta pissing me off.)