In the end...

I love how we went from:
"Okay... so... there's the guy, Evan, that I work with @ CC, and he is completely gorgeous and ridiculously funny and amazing. I've been crushing for a while now. Well... he finds out. So.. last night, he offers to take me to a movie. Pans Labyrinth, which I had already seen, but it was still an AMAZING movie, and I was going to be with EVAN there, so of COURSE I agree to go. So... we go to Walmart and get snackage, then to the movie. The ENTIRE time my head is nodding, because I hadn't slept in a few days, and it was 11 at night. His arm looks so unbelievably inviting and I keep wanting to lean on him and feel his warmth, but didn't for fear of it being too incredibly weird and shit. Plus, I figured he had broken up with his girlfriend (they have been having problems) but I find out later on that the problems have just gotten worse, but still with no breakup. So after the movie we stand outside in 30 degree weather for AN HOUR just chatting away. I didn't make it home until 1:30 am.

Then he messages me online and we talk until 4 am. It was amazing. I am so falling for this boy. He's...God, there's no word to describe him.

And he hints that he likes me too.

Evan: you're unlike anyone I've ever met before
Shteffi Love: :( Now I feel bad.
Shteffi Love: How so?
Shteffi Love: Insane?
Evan: No
Shteffi Love: lol
Evan: I've definitely met my share of insane people.
Evan: I just...
Evan: I don't know
Evan: You're just really cool
Evan: You're a rare breed


Shteffi Love: see? This is why I said we needed to talk more. Not because I was crushing, but because we are awesome.
Shteffi Love: So... put together we're like... a giant awesome filled cake
Shteffi Love: or pastry
Evan: yes
Evan: so... you're not crushing?
Evan: 'cause I totally am
Shteffi Love: ...
Evan: but you can't tell anyone

I could go on and on... but I wont.
How do you let a guy that you REALLY like, know that you think he'd be WAY happier with you, without scaring him off.

I have work tomorrow... and so does he. Maybe we can talk then. In person. And I can get lost in those gorgeous eyes again...
I sigh

I don't even know what to say.
I just want him. I'm lovesick. "

To:

"I'm sorry, Stef. But I just can't be with you anymore. I can't be happy with you, and I don't love you the way I used to."

I love how we promised each other forever and now I'm getting the back hand. You know what? You shouldn't have asked me to marry you if you weren't ready for commitment and difficulties. And what I don't understand is that you break up with me so that you can be happy, but now you're in worse trouble than you were in when we were together. Because now you're drinking yourself into a slumberous state. Drinking to get away from your problems and calling it "dealing with the problem" is idiotic. You freaking said that you didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, and that you don't love me and you don't want to be with me, but yet you are afraid to spend time with me and hang out with me for fear of you wanting to be with me? If not wanting to be with me is the problem in the first place, then what is there to be afraid of? I'm sorry, I just don't understand. Because, you broke up with me because you weren't happy with me and you don't love me like you used to. But if you hang out with me and see that you CAN be happy with me and that you DO love me, then what is the problem? I'm sorry, I just don't get that. No problem then, right? If that's the reason you ended it, and then the problem is solved, what else is there?

I just don't understand you some times. One minute you say that you don't love me anymore, but then today you tell me that you are afraid of being around me because "you love me and it hurts." You think you are the only one hurting? I'm hurting worse than you, I'm sure. Not that this is a CONTEST, but you know... YOU left ME. You told me you couldn't do it anymore and you left me. So now I'm still here willing to do this and fix things, and you are the one pushing me away because you are afraid. You are the strongest person I know... and you are pushing away your fiance because you are afraid of the fighting. ....what the fuck, Evan?

I am willing to do anything I can for you. I want you to make something of yourself. I want you to pursue what you dream. You used to want to be a translator. What happened to that? The fact that you don't have money for college? So what? Neither do I. But I'm still going to try to go. Just because you are in debt doesn't mean there aren't other options. You're just not looking because you are AFRAID there are no other options. You BELIEVE there are no other options. And you are going to risk losing something that you once valued and loved, for the fact that you are just scared of moving ahead and making an effort.

You're tired, I know. But so am I. This is the real world, and the real world comes with its hardships. I want to help you any way I can. But you need to let me. You don't want to? Fine. But I don't believe that you don't want to. I believe you are just afraid to let me try. Because if you didn't want to you wouldn't have been crying on my car Tuesday when you found out I was leaving. And you wouldn't have sent me texts saying that I must have thought of you as "uncaring and unfeeling...a cold hearted bastard." ....Part of you shines through a little at a time each day. And then you get sucked back into your shell again. If you would make an effort... try to do what you want to do... maybe you would be happier.

And if you would quit hiding away from me, maybe you would see me as WHO I AM, and not the person your depressed mind perceives me to be. You know?

I know you do. You of all people should. ...You just don't know how to think anymore.

I'm sorry.
I love you.