I can't trust myself anymore.

Now all my words, tears, smiles, are clogged in the pit of my stomach, like an immense weight. I've been stripped of my wings... my words. And I feel naked and raped. People come to me wanting things I'm not willing to give. Hungry eyes. Worried eyes. Searching eyes. Emotions I don't want to connect with, just don't look at me. I should pass out sunglasses so I can't see the way you're feeling. So you can't see me so clearly. But at the same time I want it so much. The attention. The wanting. Take me, use me. Hurt me. Throw me away. Rinse and repeat. Hurt me so I can have something else to bitch about. So I can just have something to fucking write about. It really just makes me stronger for the future.

You really must want me to feel like shit. Everyone must want that, really. Schadenfreude. Make others feel bad so you don't have to see what a horrible, pathetic piece of nothing you all are. To make yourself feel better about who YOU are in the long run. It's really just ridiculous and hilarious how fake it all is. People make promises they can't keep. I'm sick of these people. They want me to hate myself. To think I'm nothing. I'm worthless, I'm wrong, I'm torn, I'm forgettable. I'm awful. I'm obscene. I'm fake, so artificial.

I'm looking in the wrong direction, pray to any God that will look you in the eyes. Hold me close, I'm terrified. I shouldn't be this way. What's wrong with me?

She took him away, I pushed him there. I didn't want to see this. I didn't want to know it happened. But it was always there in the back of my mind. In a way I KNEW it happened. I knew SOMETHING happened. That's how it always is. I always know when something is going on. That's why no one can hide their lies and fuck-ups. That's how I knew Evan was going to leave. That's how I knew he was drinking. That's how I knew Michael cheated. Matt cheated. Keith cheated. It's all the same thing over and over and over and over again. I need to fucking break that cycle. Because it's really getting ridiculous how easily things tend to become the norm.

He looked her way. He's mine. Possessive, Obsessive. Out of time. I want pretty words that people will read. I want him to know me and understand. I want to know him and be there. I don't want nights of lies and criminal acts. I want barbie hips and poisoned tattoos. I want me and you. We need light on the highways, barbed wire cliches, dead dandelions on the freeway, hurt me. Pull me in, all I need is some oxygen. Hold on tight. I'm screaming no, no matter what... never let go.

My organs hurt, not just my heart. All of them. I have the worst feeling that I'm going to fall apart, so seamlessly. I feel drugged up and handcuffed. Bruised and used and and and... breathless. I just want everything to be alright. Hold me, hurt me. Tell me how it's going to be... "she's awful."

I'm oppressive. I keep hurting him and it's hurting me, to see him smiling so easily. I'm scared and confused, a walking cliche wrapped in days I wish I could forget... I always seem to feel the pain a little too late, delayed reactions, I can't concentrate.

Today was horrible.

He never cared, no matter how many times he throws at me that he did, he never did. I wish it was possible for me to sit here and pretend I feel fine, like the words I spoke clear and truthful. The truth hurts sometimes, because I never wanted to know if I was a mistake or not. I wanted to know that you loved me, but this hurts a lot. And the pain is digging into my chest. All these lies. Too many people just lead me on and play with me like some doll. I may be pretty, and my head's not working too well, but my heart is, and I'm about to return it... It's broken solidly.

I feel like such a doll. Pick me up and play with me, then throw me out. They always say one man's trash is another man's treasure. So someone always tends to pick me up and keep me for a while, till I'm unfitting or boring.

In a nutshell, today made me want to hang myself from a silver maple tree.