You're drowning in your imperfections.

It's almost 5 AM. I can't sleep, and my dearest one is laying beside me in an almost comatose state. Snoring his damn head off. So even if I WANTED to sleep, which I don't, I wouldn't be able to without the urge to smother him to death with a pillow. Dearest, I love you, but we need to get a hold on your whole asthma problem hella fast.

It's been a while since I updated. I really don't have much to update on, but I feel the need to write, even if it's to myself. I know a few people read this, you hardly ever update, and I honestly don't understand why you feel inclined to read this heap of shit, because it's never anything new, anything exciting, but it's nice to know that you care enough to keep up with what's going on in my world.

Life is shit right now. I'm broke. I haven't paid my insurance or my phone bill this month, and if I don't soon both contracts will be canceled. He is trying to help me with that, but he really doesn't get paid enough to do that, and afford cigarettes, and gas for the car. It's still a nice gesture. I would feel bad that he's paying my bills for me, but he's living with me, and he uses my car to get to and from work. Not only that, but I kept him alive and well fed when he was looking for a job. Paying his bills. So I guess it's really not a big deal for him. I guess I also forgot to state that I lost my job, and that is the reason I'm broke in the first place. Circuit City closed down. I can't really say that I'm sad about that. I'm going to miss a few of the people I worked with, but overall the work environment was shit, and I really couldn't stand to be there much longer anyway. I've been thinking about applying at the hospital. They really need people, and I know I could easily get a job there working in the cafeteria because I worked at that nursing home not too long ago. I'm just a huge procrastinator, and I can't seem to concentrate long enough to get together a resume or anything of that nature. I need to work on that.

He had to go into work a few days ago and I was stuck at home all day by myself without the car. So I had to sit at home reading and watching television, and it was driving me mad. But he's so absolutely sweet that he thought of me and brought me a pizza, a pack of cigs, and a random orchid home to cheer me up. This really isn't that important, and has nothing to do with right now, but I wanted to place that into there because it made me extremely happy, and I wanted to share it with the few of you who care.

I'm mad at Corey right now. Furious, to be honest. He's been dating this 16 year old chick for about a year. And he seemed to be happy for a while. Which is fine. But I know for a fact that for a few months he was going on and on about how he didn't love her as much as he thought he did, and about how he wanted to break up with her, but felt like he needed a good REASON to escape. Now he's suddenly devoted to her again, but yet, still feels inclined to lie to her when we come over to see him or when we steal him from his home and make him hang out with us. It bothers me that he "loves" her so much, but yet hides the truth from her because she's apparently immature and doesn't want him to see any of his friends. He promises he's going to call me every other week. I never get ANY calls from him. Ever. It feels like he's completely dropped all the people who have been there for him for FOREVER, for some chick that he lusts after and can't even be honest with. I can't stand false people like that. And it really depresses me because he is one of my closest friends. And I love him to death. But I feel like he needs to be honest with the person he supposedly loves, and be honest with himself, before I can feel any trust or respect for him anymore. Because my love has been denied a few times in very painful ways, and I don't like it when people throw that word around without any meaning or truth or trust behind it.

So Corey, if you're reading this, that's why I'm ignoring you. That's why I deleted you from my friends list, and that's why I'm not talking to you anymore. Until you can shape up, and talk to your GIRLFRIEND and tell her about how you lied, Tell her she's going to have to DEAL with the fact that you need to see your friends every so often, TELL her that she can't consume your ENTIRE life because it's SELFISH, and quit making it seem like Wesley, Michael, and I are some big dirty secret that you have to cover up for, you will NEVER hear from me, or any of us again. I'm sorry, and I love you. But I don't need this. Especially right now. It's not fair to us, and it's not fair to HER. And if you really loved her, you would be able to be HONEST without her getting upset. That's what love REALLY is.



As an ending note: I want to screw my boyfriends best friends brains out. And my boyfriend knows that, and feels the same way. It's pretty sweet. And hilarious. That's why I love him. ♥