I don't know where I am anymore. Well, not physically. I obviously know where I am physically. Emotionally, mentally... not so much.
One minute I'm fine. I'm fine when it comes to talking about Evan, and talking to him, sorta. I'm fine when it comes to having people stay the night and sleep in the same bed as me... and I'm fine with people in relationships being around me.
But when it comes to the less subtle shit... I break down. Like... I can't have anyone sleep on his side of the bed. When I have a guy over and he's staying the night, they have to sleep on the left. I sleep in his old place. I can't stand to hear commercials about movies he was going to see with me. I can't hear my friends talk about going to the movies. I can't eat popcorn anymore. I can't put my posters on my walls. Smile, laugh, anything to make me feel real. Less like a doll.
When I'm with the others, things are at least better. The pain can be dulled. Michael helps. Trevor, even more so. He's my new people-project. I want to pick him apart until I can figure how how he ticks. He's so amazingly perfect, I don't know what to do with myself. I want to open up with him, start anew. But my heart has enough cracks in it already. I'm afraid to hand it over to anyone just yet... because if they're not super careful they will break it all together. And I have no glue.
Okay, no seriously. In all serious, I need to steal Trevor. We're in Journalism right now working on our end of year "exams" or whatever you want to call them. I'm listening to my iPod and I put the headphone in his ear when "Get Down With The Sickness" by Richard Cheese comes on, and he says "This was in Dawn of the Dead!"
And now "Hey There Delilah" is on. And I'm being stabbed in the heart again. See what I mean about the small things hurting more? This shouldn't bother me as bad as it is.
You never meant half the things you said. Or maybe you did. Either way, you lost yourself, dear. You think I did, but you're the one fucking (or wanting to fuck) a girl you just met. Who has a boyfriend, who probably doesn't even KNOW about you. Maybe she's ashamed, I would be if I were in her situation. I mean, she's pledging love for you, when she HAS someone else. Whom she has been with for a year. And if you think she's going to leave him for you... good luck with that. Most people aren't so stupid and shallow. OH LOOK, I HIT YOU IN THE BACK.
Yeah, I'm not a fool. I fucking know you left me for her. You were probably already claiming her for your own before you even THOUGHT to break up with me. And she probably nagged you on. Supported your decision to leave me, with promises of you and her. And then you left me. Where are you at now? Claiming love for a girl who wont leave her boyfriend. And then what? What if she does? You going to quit your job then for the whore? Good luck with that too.
Ugh. Bitter bitter bitter. Trevor is coming over tonight to watch Sweeney Todd with me. THAT will fix this. I'll make sure of it.
I never really needed you to begin with. Ever.
And I never will again. That boat sailed. Good luck being alone with your fake promises.
I wish I was Herman Li.
5 comments:
My dear shtefi time heals many things. It will never erase what has been done but this only makes you stronger which i already know you are.
Im glad you found a new person but take things slow everything reveals itself in due time. Have fun with Trevor enjoy his company, if you feel comfortable tell him things but dont open all the way up quit yet. Be patient.
I know you will never forget Evan but put him in the past. One day he will wake up and say "Oh My FUcking Gosh i had the best girl in the world and i let her go" and you will be living your life s joyus as it was when you were with him probably more.
I hope you have fun watching Sweeny Todd thats such an awesome movie. Remember my dear everything happens for a reason even though we might not know at that time what the reason is there is a reason ( it's probably cause you were too sexifull for him lol )
I love you dear and i will be here for you
colletie-bettie
I know time heals all. I'm moving on pretty well. I just hope he pays for this. And the way I see it, if I want him to go through hell because of this, then I probably didn't love him much in the first place.
I love you so much, you're always here for me.
What a fucking loser. Seriously. He must be retarded if he's going to fuck around with some bitch who has a boyfriend. If I were him I'd be fucking ashamed of myself.
She sounds like a pretty big whore anyway if she's going to do that behind her boyfriends back. I hope he catches a ton of STD's. She's sure to have one.
I wouldn't worry about it. It's like you said, even if they DO get together, sooner or later she would just start going behind his back with some other guy "friend."
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Eh, Love?
You are amazing. He doesn't deserve you. And if you would give me a chance, you would see how amazingly you deserve to be treated. I fucking love you, and I wait with bated breath until the next moment I get to see your face again.
You know who this is by now. ;)
Until then, my love. My always.
...You never fail at putting a smile on my face, Kitten.
You are amazing as well, and I hope to see you soon. Maybe tonight?
I lovelovelove you.
I can't wait to hear your voice again.
<3
Stef
This one made me very, very sad. Mostly because I can totally relate, as how you felt then, is how I feel now, and I don't like that you felt this way. Not one bit.
Post a Comment